I am starting to worry that going to so many movies will, instead of enriching my life, ultimately send me into a murderous rage. The problem is, at the theater I am required to be in close proximity to other human beings for two hours. And you know what? Other human beings are dickwads. Of course not all of them are, but I’ve become convinced that a large portion of our society is comprised of people who are so ignorant of social norms and the ideals of polite behavior that they are nothing more than dickwads. Wonder why people from other countries hate Americans? Yup. Dickwads. Don’t get me wrong, I love this great nation of ours and the people in it, but Jesus Christ do some people make it hard. A few tips: First, if your child hasn’t matured to the age where you are able to at least partially control its behavior for a few hours, maybe you shouldn’t bring it to a movie, especially one that isn’t rated G. Second, if you are incapable of being cut off from society for the duration of a movie, and must constantly check your phone and send text messages, maybe you shouldn’t go to a movie either. If you are waiting for a call so important you can’t call them back in an hour or two and you must answer the call IN THE THEATER, don’t fucking go to the theater!! Seriously. I know there are bigger problems in the world, but every time your goddamn phone lights up it distracts me from the movie, and I get angry. Don’t make Staci angry. Staci smash.
But anyway, the good news is I liked Battleship a lot more than I expected. I went in with the lowest of expectations, so that probably helped. When I woke up this morning I thought I was going to see What to Expect (actually, I thought I was going to see Moonrise Kingdom, because Wes Anderson is my absolute favorite and I’ve been very excited to see it, but for some frustrating reason it’s not yet playing in Milwaukee; again, Staci smash), but my friend Renee wanted to join me and she was more interested in Battleship. Since I didn’t really care either way, Battleship it was. At the very least, I knew there would be some eye candy to enjoy. Things started looking up when the sassiest ticket taker of all time greeted us, saying “Oooh Girl, let me tell you; you are going to love this movie. Rihanna is a way better actress than she is a singer.” He clearly didn’t have the highest impression of Rihanna, and for that I love and respect him. I plan to call his manager and nominate him for employee of the month. He deserves it. And he was right. Rihanna didn’t even come close to ruining the movie for me, so I chalk that up as a victory for Rihanna.
But let’s get real. Yes, this movie is based on a board game. And yes, that is stupid and a sign that maybe the people with all the money in Hollywood should retire because they are clearly out of ideas. But guess what: I was entertained by this nonsense. Here are my thoughts:
1. Taylor Kitsch lights up my life. If I’m being totally honest, the high regard I have for Taylor Kitsch’s face and body certainly heightened the pleasantness of this movie-going experience for me. Even when I grew tiresome of watching big alien machines flailing around and making that annoying Transformer-ish noise (seriously, not a fan of the Transformers franchise, even despite my soft spot for Shia LaBeouf, who will forever be Louis Stevens in my eyes), I could at least stare at Tim Riggins with short hair and dream about the life the two of us could have on that land he bought on the outskirts of Dillon, TX as soon as he gets out of the Navy. Let me love and care for you Tim Riggins. Shhh…it’s okay. It’s okay. (If you imagine me cradling his head to my bosom while slowly stroking his hair, it really completes the picture. He’s probably bummed out about the time he spent in jail again or something. I’ll help him get through it. Damn you Billy Riggins!)
2. Speaking of Tim Riggins, I thoroughly enjoyed the reunion of one of my all-time favorite duos: Tim Riggins and Landry Clarke. Their times together were some of my favorite Friday Night Lights moments, and every time they interacted during this movie I had a big smile on my face. I’m pretty sure Jesse Plemons will be forever playing some version of Landry, and I ain’t mad at him for it. Plus, in this movie Landry helped save the world, which totally makes up for that whole unfortunate murder incident. Thank you, Peter Berg, for this special gift, but I don’t understand why Adrianne Palicki couldn’t have played the role occupied by Brooklyn Decker.
3. You guys, there was not enough Alexander Skarsgard in this movie. I know, there’s never enough Skarsgard for me. Even if he lived in the pocket of my favorite hooded sweatshirt, I couldn’t get enough Skarsgard. I did get to enjoy some Shirtless Skarsgard, some Badass Skarsgard, and some Loving Brother Skarsgard, but I could’ve used some additional Skarsgard varieties.
4. There were some scenes in this movie featuring old dudes, and let me tell you: I am a total sucker for old dudes. Especially WWII veterans. I’m not sure what it is about them, but there’s something about that generation of men that is just so special. I very much enjoy the strides women have taken towards equality, but I also pine for the days when men were men. If I see an old man from that generation crying, I IMMEDIATELY start crying. I can’t take it. Not that the old men in this movie are crying or anything, but I just love seeing old men being awesome and there’s some of that, so that was nice. That’s the whole point of that tangent. Happy Memorial Day.
So in summary, I liked this movie way more than I expected, but it’s not going to make my yearly Top 10 list or anything (btw, I finally got around to watching Breaking Dawn last weekend, and Shark Boy & Lava Girl must now share the title of Worst Movie I’ve Ever Seen; way to consistently knock it out of the park, Taylor Lautner. You are an inferior Taylor). If you liked any of the Transformers, or if you get excited by movies with hot guys and that is enough for you, go ahead and throw this baby in your Netflix Queue. Otherwise:
Battleship: Wait For It On Cable