I am starting to worry that going to so many movies will, instead of enriching my life, ultimately send me into a murderous rage. The problem is, at the theater I am required to be in close proximity to other human beings for two hours. And you know what? Other human beings are dickwads. Of course not all of them are, but I’ve become convinced that a large portion of our society is comprised of people who are so ignorant of social norms and the ideals of polite behavior that they are nothing more than dickwads. Wonder why people from other countries hate Americans? Yup. Dickwads. Don’t get me wrong, I love this great nation of ours and the people in it, but Jesus Christ do some people make it hard. A few tips: First, if your child hasn’t matured to the age where you are able to at least partially control its behavior for a few hours, maybe you shouldn’t bring it to a movie, especially one that isn’t rated G. Second, if you are incapable of being cut off from society for the duration of a movie, and must constantly check your phone and send text messages, maybe you shouldn’t go to a movie either. If you are waiting for a call so important you can’t call them back in an hour or two and you must answer the call IN THE THEATER, don’t fucking go to the theater!! Seriously. I know there are bigger problems in the world, but every time your goddamn phone lights up it distracts me from the movie, and I get angry. Don’t make Staci angry. Staci smash.
But anyway, the good news is I liked Battleship a lot more than I expected.
"What are civil rights?" "I’ll tell you later. They’re hilarious."
Alright, so that exchange from the movie made me laugh really hard for some reason and I couldn’t resist sharing it here. There were a lot of little gems like that throughout that made me giggle, but overall this movie was just okay. It was definitely funny, there was a nice coherent plot, and I was never bored, but a lot of the funniest stuff was in the trailer. I’ve always been an admirer of Sacha Baron Cohen to some extent; I admire what he is capable of accomplishing, his total committment to each character, and for the most part I think he’s kind of a genius. More often than not, however, he makes me uncomfortable. I realize that’s his goal, and he’s really great at what he does. But the “cringe humor” stuff—while I am a fan when it comes in more controlled doses (such as on The Office (especially the British version))—mostly just makes me want to shed my skin and run off screaming into the night. Also, his fake accent got a bit tiring by the end of the movie. Just once, I would love to see him in a movie where he doesn’t wear a fake beard or use a weird voice so we can enjoy his natural sexy Britishness. A girl can dream.
Every family has its demons, you say? Well maybe they should’ve been exorcised a long time ago. Like before this movie was made. Ugh. This movie was not good, you guys. It’s not the worst movie I’ve ever seen (that title will forever be held by Shark Boy and Lava Girl), but it’s also far from the best. I don’t even really want to write about it, because I just don’t know what to say. I’m pretty bummed, because I had deluded myself into thinking this would be a very enjoyable move. I’m not sure what I was thinking. I knew it was getting some pretty bad reviews, and fans of the TV show had their panties all in a bunch worried that Tim Burton was making the movie too silly to properly honor the original, but I didn’t care about all that. I actually hoped it would be campy & funny. Those are the elements I was looking forward to. But mostly, this movie was just boring. I checked my watch like 20 times, and I wasn’t even wearing a watch. That’s a bad sign, Timmy B. A reallllly bad sign.
It should come as no surprise to anyone that I loved The Avengers (hint: I really like movies). But it was touch-and-go there for a while, guys. And not because of the quality of the movie or anything. I was initially planning to see The Avengers Friday night at a late show after seeing Aziz Ansari at the Riverside Theater here in Milwaukee. But then Adam Yauch had to up and die, breaking my heart. Beastie Boys are my #1 favorite musical group/band of all time and will be forever, and I have always been an MCA girl. Not only is their music top-notch, but I also love the Boys for the men they became, the causes they fought for (so much more than just the right to party), and for their eternal coolness. I still haven’t completely come to terms with the fact that I’ll never again hear new Beastie Boys music or see another show. It hurts. RIP Adam Nathaniel Yauch. I’ll miss you forever.
Because of this grief, instead of seeing The Avengers Friday night, I decided that my time was best spent getting drunk with fellow Beastie Boys fans. It was the right decision, but it made my theater experience slightly, how shall I say it…excrutiating. I had already decided that I was going to see the movie in 3D IMAX, even though I hate 3D and think it’s the worst. I didn’t get up in time on Saturday morning to make it to the earliest show, so I went at 1:10, which was predictably packed. When I got there 30 minutes before show time (which is super early for me; I like to roll in 2 minutes before the previews start), there was a line formed all the way through the lobby. Already annoyed, I grabbed the necessary refreshments (A Diet Coke as big as my head and chicken fingers in an attempt to bash my hangover into submission), and I got in the back of the line. By the time I got into the theater it was already pretty full, so I was in the second row of the stadium seats. And then I had to put on stupid glasses and watch a blurry image for two-and-a-half hours (seriously, 3-D is the worst; if you don’t hold your head still, everything is blurry. How is that a good thing? I have a neck that turns, and I like to use it. Go away, 3-D. Just go away). Needless to say, my headache did not subside with the alacrity that I had hoped.
Nevertheless, it was a kick-ass movie experience. Because this movie is super fucking kick-ass. These are my thoughts: